5 Surprising Mistakes Couples Make When Working on Their Marriage

Описание: Ready To Save Your Marriage? 📞 Book a Free Call with Monika's team: monikahoyt.com/talk or 👉SUBSCRIBE: https://www.youtube.com/c/MonikaHoyt?...

I’ll probably get some pushback for this among my peers but I’m going to break down the five top mistakes people while working on their marriage, and, correspondingly, the 5 shifts you MUST make instead. This is what you must have, what successful couples on the brink do instead to bring their marriages back from the brink of divorce and build their dream relationship.

1. The first mistake is waiting for your spouse to be ready for help. Traditional marriage counseling treats the couple as the client, requiring both spouses to participate equally, so if one person doesn’t want counseling they simply won’t get help. That’s why SO MANY couples who love each other end up divorced. So I treat couples work as individual work. This shift allows my clients to catalyze radical transformation for the ENTIRE relationship from the inside out. They can save their marriages even without their spouse’s buy in, because when you change your moves, the whole dance MUST change.

So the 1st mindset shift you need to make is a commitment to change yourself 1st. That means that no matter what your partner is doing

2. Mistake #2 is Working on the marriage through insight-based approaches that bypass the subconscious default modes that sabotage you. Most therapy only engages the cerebral cortex, which we can’t to remember when it counts. That’s why your best intentions go right out the window the second you’re triggered and you react in the same old ways. The most essential SHIFT/component, the secret sauce to sustaining those changes, that I CANNOT overemphasize is changing your beliefs and reconditioning them into new beliefs that support your goals. That is the only way and most people resist this work.

3. Mistake #3 is communicating BEFORE you’re emotionally connected. Typically, marriage work starts with communication tools and this is problematic because unless you feel safe or connected, even the most perfect communication will be distorted through a negative filter and won’t land properly. That’s why couples try so hard to communicate but it goes south and they decide it’s hopeless because they are using the tools and they still don’t feel heard.
So, instead what we do is Build emotional connection FIRST so that your perceptual filters allow the communication to work so you can effectively problem solve from the same team. Everything else is putting the cart before the horse

4. And another big mistake is rehashing and focusing mostly on the problems. Mainstream approaches are diagnostic, so they identify and analyze the symptoms, living in the paradigm of the problem and the false belief that we must eliminate the problems before we can heal the marriage. But what we focus on EXPANDS. So things only get WORSE, as negative emotions are repeatedly relived and then fed by negative meaning-making. So what we do is systematically expand the positive aspects of the marriage until the negative aspects become marginalized. This is the ratio of positive-negative that has been proven by Dr. John Gottman to predicts marital success.
So the shift required to avoid this common mistake is to intentionally and consciously expand the positive number of interactions and reduce the negative ones. This is easy, you can track it, you can measure this. So what do you want to create? What do you WANT? Focus on building that rather than on what is happening that you DON'T want.

5. The final mistake is that we forget that we are the product of who we surround ourselves with. and we stay isolated in doing couples work. Most couples don't even tell anyone they are getting help or counseling, it's "secret" it's Private and I get that, it's personal, but sometimes it feels like it's about shame.

Bottom line is that Couples counseling has notoriously poor outcomes. So if you want to go a different route that incorporates those things, avoid these mistakes, then this video is for you.

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Monika Hoyt, LICSW | Monika Hoyt helps couples and individuals whose marriages are on the brink transform their relationships from the inside-out. She focuses on changing limiting beliefs, building emotional connection, and getting on the same team for life.

This channel covers topics like how to trust in a relationship, how to deal with narcissistic personality disorder or emotional abuse in relationships, and how to prevent divorce.

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