Je T'aime (I Love You) - A song about toxic love

Описание: As I reach the end of the creation of this sonata, I've been wanting to make a song that was at least SUPPOSED to be lighter. One that just talks about love. Something romantic. But whenever I sat at the piano.. I couldn't form a single melody. I've made five songs so far, and each time, whenever I tried to make a happier, more romantic melody, it just didn't work. It didn't feel right, no matter what I tried or the chord progressions I experimented with. That's because I was trying to conjure up emotions that didn't exist. I finally had my breakthrough whenever I grabbed my guitar, and allowed myself to feel how I truly felt about love. I came up with this melody almost immediately after that on my guitar.

I've been in love before. Now, it's been several years since I've been in a relationship, but I know what it is like. At least, a little bit. The problem, however, was that with my selective mutism a relationship was practically impossible. How do you have a healthy relationship with someone whenever you don't even speak? These relationships fizzled out very quickly.
I recall, a couple of years after my selective mutism started, being in a long distance relationship. It wasn't healthy either, and I romanticized it in my head too much after it ended, because I chose another person. I chose someone whom I could actually be in a relationship with in person, but quickly realized that it was incredibly difficult to even be in a relationship with anyone with selective mutism.

Even outside of my own experiences, with how I grew up, and with all of my family members and so many people around me, relationships have always seemed so... toxic. It always seemed like happiness was simply unobtainable within a relationship. Like a healthy relationship is so rare that I've only seen maybe one somewhat healthy one in my entire life. And I think that's why it's been several years since I've been in one. They're scary, and I have very few actually good memories within them, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make a happy song about them.

The word "I Love You" seems to always be given so freely. But do most people even understand what that phrase means? Because I sure don't. All I know is the feeling, and it's a confusing, messy one. THAT'S how i truly feel about relationships.