Losing the value of life.

Описание: I have become paranoid over the past few months, I know it's stupid but I can't force it off.

can't trust anyone, they might hurt me. It is never enough for them.

I am aware that, I am violent, naturally. Yet I abhore the idea of violence. To harm another, it is not right, yet it is a constant thought. Constantly bashing into my head telling me to get them before they get me, a voice telling me to take action and do it now, I know it is just words, telling me to defend myself, out of paranoia, it just doesn't make sense yet it happens. Even when nothing is happening, even when everything is good, constantly thinking of corpses upon corpses, in public, alone, with others, I cannot unsee or unthink I always see it and it is wrong. I always see and think of the violence, ever since I could think it was the one thing always at the back of my mind, to harm another and to bleed them out because I could not see what they were, every single day to think of agony and harming another by my own hands, to grab onto their skin and bruise it, to take their power and lower them further and further until they can be crushed like nothing was ever there, an instinct to make things unfair, But Harming another is wrong, for it disrupts how things should be. Over the years I was taught, yet all I learned was how things should be, I never learned why. The right thing to do is common sense, a guideline to keep, yet every day I question that, if it's even worth keeping. And it is, because it is right, and to go against what is right is to abandon humanity. It is the duty of another to make things fair, as fair as possible.

I do not remember when but I just recall parts of my day disappearing, minutes, then hours, and eventually a day. Things that happened that I didn't do, tests answered that I didn't answer, time spent that I didn't spend.

I feel like I am ripped apart.
Everyday, my body is gnawed and bitten and torn by bugs and my own hands, every day it is pins and needles piercing and bursting into my skin for medicine, every day it is pills and chemicals invading my body, ripping into me down to my thoughts, eating as if it were nothing eating without joy or feeling, speaking as if it is nothing talking and talking without any real weigh and just vague responses, Every day it is repeated, every single day I am here.

Ever since I was stopped, preventing myself from lashing out I was getting plagued. Night terrors dvery single day waking me up at random points in the night and tearing at my thoughts, making me sleepless and making it hard to remember. vivid scenes of harming everyone around me, harming my family, it feels so real, sounds, smells, it's horrid, increasing everyday, I cannot even scratch myself away from the bugs that bite me, because I feel as if I'm ripping out chunks of my flesh and bloodying my hands, my fingers piercing into my skin leaking blood onto the surface the further I glide them across trying to stop an itch but there is nothing there, no blood no mark just an itch and scratch from being bitten. And talking, as if spikes are piercing my throat closing my air and suppressing my voice because I feel that talking will get me killed, it will have me harmed, that he will latch onto my every word to scream cry and yell about it. I hate talking, it's never safe even now, I still feel as if he's going to reach and scream at me for it, just for talking, stop me from reaching out. And now it's just waking up at night in random hours, having difficulties telling what is real and what is not. I must've killed everyone several dozen times by now, spoken to dozens of people that never existed, ripped my skin and my organs up hundreds of times within the same day feeling the pain of it yet everytime I woke up everything was just fine. Every single night it is the same thing of terrors and thoughts that I hate piercing into my mind like parasites and digging into my actions trying to slowly push me into that action to solve it any way I can even violence, like a voice. I don't want to hurt people, hurting them is wrong, I don't want to hurt myself, that's wrong, it's not the right thing to do. I am afraid that one day it will be real, and that I do end up harming others.

Even recently, even those short moments of me living, they have become less and less, awake for only an hour of the day, at midnight, awake for the breaks between tuning out. There used to be breaks where everything felt okay, I felt safe, but that has been disappearing, I am living less of my life and it is wrong. It should not be this way, yet I am not conflicted about it. It feels better, and safer this way.

My life is cannibalizing itself, at times I used to feel brave, or violent, neutral, or scared. But now my day is consumed, it's just blank.

I have never understood the value of life but I always saw it. I don't want to go on anymore.

I cannot even say everything, they're always watching and monitoring me. I have no voice in here.