daily drawing practice | 110 | video to lessen the drought, or smth

Описание: hello. i know its been like a full month, but believe me when i say ive been busy. today was a special day, so i wanted to record something. even if its 1AM right now and i need to get up at 7.

i had my birthday. i dont know it it better for me to just lower my expectations, but i wasnt able to celebrate it with my parents in the morning, because i had to rush to school. i cried on my way. the thought that my parents took time out of their life to prepare something for me hurt so bad, because i couldnt appreciate it for even a second. i havent even eaten the cake they bought. it hurts to see our little tradition being broken.

i really wanted to skip school, but honestly i cant take it anymore. the amount of work i have to do by myself to keep up is not worth it. i really chose school above my family, maybe i really should kill myself. during the lectures i could barely focus, i was so focused on not crying, and worrying that i smelled bad. i literally sat on almost the edge of the seating row, so i wouldnt bother anyone atleast.

besides missing celebrating it with my parents like usual, i also celebrated with friends a couple days before, during my very first, last, basically only houseparty. i never want to do that again, way to much effort. i enjoyed it, but some people found it rather calm instead of like a full blown frat party. i guess im lame, since i didnt mind. the thing im mostly thinking about is the following: the girl i liked for a year was like really enjoying talking to a friend i made during university. we all came from the same high school, but i really got to know him during our first months of uni. i always had a feeling they enjoyed eachothers company, so i invited both of them. i guess i feel really smart for indeed being right about how they talked or something, but i kinda feel like, idk, a cuck?

i know it sounds ridiculous, but honestly im afraid im like that type of guy. i already know im insecure, short, ugly, and probably a full blown incel in like 2 years but i dont think i can handle being bisexual and being a cuck at the same time, because then ill really be alone for the rest of my life. ofcourse i cant know for sure im a cuck, since im still a kissless virgin (whos never had a girl interested in him btw!) so anythin sexual couldnt be more further away from me in my life. i just felt like, wow i set up two people and i was more interested in their happiness, and how they enjoyed their evening than my own. i really do think about this alot, and im kind of confused, but also not really. i feel like this time i really put someones happiness before my own. still, wow it kind of stung to see her like that i guess, even though nothing of note has ever happened between us, except for me being a creepy manlet when we were alone together. i would apologize a thousand times for that, but i cant emberass myself anymore than this. but really, even if they end up together, they deserve it. and if not, it isnt any of my business. i just think theyre good people, so they should be happy. i have kind of lost interest in my life or something.

its getting kind of tiring to go to bed. every time i think the same thoughts. every night i hug my pillow, imagining that its someone. i used to imagine it being my crush from the past, but im already creepy enough so i tried imagining it to be other things. i tried imagining it to be venti, furina, but those characters wouldnt bat an eye to me. is it crazy to think that? yeah it is..

today i drew lumine in like a wedding dress, and i got sad while drawing it. no one would marry me. i wouldnt even marry myself. i dont like myself. the thing i dont like about myself the most is that i know im ugly, but i still cant bring myself to like date a person that would be like my equal. its pretty unfair to think. but in that case, i should just stay single forever. maybe when im 30 and really down in the dumps ill hire a hooker to feel good for a short time, and then kill myself when i snap back. who knows whats in store for me.

maybe i could create like my own character to fall in love with. that mightve been the most insane thing ive ever written and posted thus far, but honestly why not. i wouldnt want to make any real person suffer with my presence. i might even improve my drawing skills if i just full send my loneliness and lose myself in a large fantasy in order to escape from my incel existence. im crying as im writing this, what a pathetic guy i am.

i promise im usually more normal than this, for anyone reading this. i believe i used to have this one person that sometimes read these embarassing spillages of my thoughts, and to them: youre really seeing my low points right now. sorry.