Halloween, Nuclear Violations, Heinz Ketchup vs McDonalds [Scrapple TV News]

Описание: The week of Oct. 28, 2013.

From high atop the scrapple news tower in downtown philadelphia; I'm ap ticker and here's a treat stuffed with razor blades for all you tricksters.

We begin tonight with politics. The 96 year old mayor of Coatesville, Pa will not seek re-election this year. Having dedicated his life to incombency Mr Kennedy lingered in office for 75 years before relinquishing his throne. Now that he's free of his duties the Mayor plans to finally get to some things he's put off for half a century...death.

We'll all be joining His Honor in the dead zone soon enough because the largest nuclear reactor in the US is spewing radiation into the atmosphere. Recently, a government safety reports cited Palo Verde for 299 safety violations and nothing was done to fix the problems. I know this radiation stuff sounds bad but I'd still rather microwave my testicles than drink a glass of fracked water.

I'll tell you one thing I won't do: dip my french fries in substandard ketchup.
I'm a Heinz man, none of that bulldhit Hunts Catsup for me. Unfortunately, McDonald's has banned Heinz because the new CEO of 57 flavors is a former Burger King exec.
Which is why I'm boycotting McDonalds...That and the fact that pink chicken sludge goes right to my ass.

Beggars can't be choosers, you stuff your gut with what ya got. That is, unless, you are homeless in europe; where even the hobos are chic. German church officials seized the palatial mansion of a defrocked bishop this week and have announced plans to turn ill-gotten estate into a permanent soup kitchen. Don't forget to tip the valet who parks your shopping cart otherwise you might lose your pee jar.

And finally, Lou Reed is dead and the people is sad. The former Velvet Underground frontman's influential music launched the career of a thousand shitty bands. Do you think using his music to hock PS4's and Honda scooters back in the day is the thing that finally killed him? Ah well....one more of Warhol's pissy, proto-hipster pop stars ascends into tee-shirt heaven, to live on as merchandise.

Happy Halloween Philadelphia! It's that magical time of year when I get all dressed up, drink 'till I see triple, and scare the bejesus out of little trick-or-treaters. This year I'm going as Sexy Sasquatch! Or maybe a Sexy Suicide Bomber, I haven't decided yet. Either way, my shameless rampage will be fueled by the Philadelphia Brewing Company's Commonwealth Cider. So crisp and refreshing. The Philadelphia Brewing Company; helping me make children cry since 2001.

That all for Scrapple News. I am AP Ticker reminding you that this statement is a lie.

Scrapple TV is written by:
Scott Colan
Brendan Skwire
Steve Galley
Johnny Zito