Dysfunction of the Narcissistic Family

Описание: Narcissistic families are like spiders, trapping their children in a web of emotional suffering.
Rinda Smith talks about some of the characteristics of being raised in a narcissistic family.

1. Secrets. The family secret is that the parents are not meeting the children's emotional needs, or that they are abusive in some way. This is the norm in the narcissistic family.

2. Image. The narcissistic family is all about image. The message is: "We are bigger, better, have no problems, and must put on the face of perfection."

3. Negative Messages. Children are given spoken and unspoken messages that get internalized, typically: "You're not good enough"; "You don't measure up"; "You are valued for what you do rather than for who you are."

4. Lack of Parental Hierarchy. In healthy families, there is a strong parental hierarchy in which the parents are in charge and love, guidance, and direction are given to the children. In narcissistic families, this hierarchy is non-existent; the children are there to serve parental needs.

5. Lack of Emotional Tune-In. Narcissistic parents lack the ability to emotionally tune in to their kids. They cannot feel and show empathy or unconditional love. They are typically critical and judgmental.

6. Lack of Effective Communication. The most common means of communication in narcissistic families is triangulation. Information is not direct. This creates passive-aggressive behavior, tension, and mistrust.

7. Unclear Boundaries. Children's feelings are not considered important. Private diaries are read, physical boundaries are not kept, and emotional boundaries are not respected.

8. One Parent Narcissistic, the Other Orbiting. If one parent is narcissistic, it is common for the other parent to have to revolve around the narcissist to keep the marriage intact. The orbiting parent is tied up meeting the needs of the narcissistic parent, leaving the children's needs unmet.

9. Siblings Not Encouraged to Be Close. In healthy families, we encourage our children to be loving and close to each other. In narcissistic families, children are pitted against each other and taught competition. There is a constant comparison of who is doing better and who is not. Some are favored or seen as "the golden child," and others become the scapegoat for a parent's projected negative feelings. Siblings in narcissistic families rarely grow up feeling emotionally connected to each other.

10. Feelings. Children are not taught to embrace their emotions and process them in realistic ways. They are taught to stuff and repress them, and are told their feelings don't matter. Narcissistic parents are typically not in touch with their own feelings and therefore project them onto others. . If we don't process feelings, they do leak out in other unhealthy ways.

11. "Not Good Enough" Messages. These messages come across loud and clear in the narcissistic family. Some parents actually speak this message in various ways; others just model it to the children.

12. Dysfunction—Obvious or Covert. In narcissist families, the dynamics can be seen or disguised. The dysfunction displayed in violent and abusive homes is usually obvious, but emotional and psychological abuse, as well as neglectful parenting, are often hidden.

Rinda Smith can be reached by emailing [email protected] or call/text (256) 497-4790

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