Breaking the Punishment/Rewards Cycle with Dr. Tamara Soles

Описание: In this episode I talk with Dr. Tamara Soles

Dr. Tamara is a psychologist, parent coach, and founder of The Secure Child Center for Families and Children She’s also the mom of twins who present everyday opportunities to live what she’s practiced with families for over 15 years- that harnessing the power of connection helps children thrive! Dr. Tamara is the creator of the online parenting course, No More Power Struggles which opens its doors again soon. Currently, you can hear Dr. Tamara on her podcast- This Hour has 50 minutes.

The problem with punishment

We have this inaccurate notion that children learn when they are punished, and they will change their behavior next time. It's just not true. But at the same time, parents generally have little opportunity to learn what to do instead. Their real-life experiences are showing them that punishment isn't working. They keep doling out punishment, and the same thing keeps happening. Parents say to me, “I know this isn't working. But I also have no idea what else to do.” They get stuck in this upping the ante situation. They think they just haven't found the punishment that hurts enough or that means enough for their child to care about. They lack knowledge and information. They're well intentioned, they're trying to help their child learn, but just with the wrong tools.

It’s about helping teens make good choices, even in your absence. That doesn't happen when we use a punishment. Punishment doesn't cause behavior change. Punishment does increase sneakier behaviors. For example, if you go away on a trip and leave your teen behind, what determines if they have a party? They don’t if they respect their home and you. They do if it’s just a matter of not getting caught. They think, “I’m going to get in trouble anyway, so I might as well do it.”

What do we do instead of punishment?

It’s a radical shift. You can't just stop punishment without any plan or alternative and expect to see some improvement. To truly do what you hope to do as a parent, which is generally to instill good values and help your child to make good decisions, you need a foundation. That foundation is not reward and punishment. That foundation is connection and relationship. To shift away from this paradigm, which doesn't work, you need to start by rebuilding that foundation. Now, when your child is making a choice, they're making the choice, not from this old paradigm of, “Will I be rewarded, or will I be punished?” but from the “What is the right thing to do that has been modeled to me?” They don't want to upset or hurt a person they feel connected to.

How do I make sure they don’t take advantage of me?

Often, we don’t give our teens enough space, leeway, and tools to explore and problem-solve on their own. We try to over control our teen to keep them safe and help them make good judgments. When you shift away from punishment, your child may question what’s happening. They may start trying to push boundaries or explore what this means. Ultimately, if you're working in parallel to encourage discussion and problem-solving, your teen will become more open with you. You will be able to engage more with them. We know from research, that our teens are craving more connection with us, even though on the surface they appear not. A lot of that is self-protective. It’s the result of not having enough connection.

How to establish boundaries without punishment.

Think of a problem like a fire. At any moment, we have the choice to either add a log to the fire or water. To hold a boundary, you can say, “You know what, I can see you're really upset. If you want to talk about it, I’m here. But it’s not okay to use those words with me so I'm going to go.” It’s more effective than saying, “How dare you. You can’t talk to me like that.” As soon as we engage that way, we’re not solving the problem. We’re making it more likely that they are going to do it again next time because we're perpetuating the behavior. Choose to disengage instead. Yu can say, “If you want to talk about what's happening here, let's do that. But I'm going to get a glass of water first.” As adults we have more tools to manage that. If we don't, that’s were the work needs to be done.


FREE STUFF!
• 5 Hacks to Reset your Kid's Nervous System: https://drtamarasoles.com/hacks
• 7 Secrets to Motivating Teens: http://www.askdrcam.com/motivateteens

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