Deaf LGBTQ Coming Out Stories: Rezenet Tsegay Moges-Riedel

Описание: Rezenet Tsegay Moges-Riedel's Coming Out Story

[Transcript:

(Rez is wearing a dark blue jeans jacket, light blue shirt and a dark blue and white handkerchief scarf. She's sitting in an apartment living room and there are stairs in the background.)

Hello, my name is Rezenet Tsegay Moges-Riedel. My namesign is [indicating a thick-eyebrow]. I identify myself as Lesbian [showing a variation of ASL sign of “LESBIAN”]. I knew when I was extremely young. I even remember one pivotal memory when I was about 4. One may ask how could I remember that young? The word “lesbian” never really registered for me in the past but an “attraction to girls/women.” I knew back then when I first was attracted to two teenagers, older girls who showed me their multiple trophies from swimming or soccer. I was drooling over them and in back of my mind, I recognized this feeling wasn’t how it supposed to be as a little girl. I remember vividly how other young boys and girls would ask me, “Who do you like? It has to be a boy!” I’d dismiss that comment and pick a girl. They’d nag, “No! That’s wrong!” Recalling that type of conversations, it registered for me when I was attracted those big girls. I could not share that with my mother.

I have a Deaf brother and a sister as well who sign fluently. Yet, my Deaf brother and I were tight when growing up. He would be in his all-boy pack and I’d still join his gang. Despite my tomboyish tendencies with brawling and wrestling, I was cautious and neat, not wanting to get dirty. Sometimes he’d order me to fight with other older boys and I’d fight and beat them in a battle. So I had a fighter inside of me.

Growing up, I would befriend closely with girls, not boys. Although I did not have best friends but just close friends. Those girls tend to be hearing. So I picked up on their hearing cultural tendencies and speech styles through bantering. Intuitively, I knew there were boundaries that I could not cross. One day, I spotted an actual lesbian who was an ultra femme making out with another femme at my high school! It was a jaw dropping sight! “It was OK to be a lesbian?!” I thought lesbians were… not outcasts but radicals of the society that we need to stay away. They were supposedly to be worse than gang members! But those femmes,… they torn down the stigma! Incredulous! I tried to write them a letter, passing through friends to friends to them.

After high school, I was so ready to come out but not as a lesbian which was too bold for me. So I started out as a bi. I chopped off my mane to short-haired curly ‘do with two clippers on top. When I set two [bright] clippers on top, the hairstyle quickly identified me as a bi. Seeing other with the same hairstyle, I related with other bisexuals since this was the “Bi” look! Eventually, I did not like being with a man. I did not even get to be with men or to sleep with them. I found that repulsive! When heterosexual men asked me if I have tried being with men, I rebutted the same question back to them. They reacted in disgust and I’d remind them that’s how I would feel too.

So I knew I was lesbian at a young age. If we want to be more specific with labels, I’d be called “Goldstar Lesbian.” Some people would react as if I’m coming out too hard, beaming too boldly with pride. Well, that’s how I truly feel. ‘Cuz I knew from the start.

You remember the crisis of Orlando Pulse? Hmm, when was that? That was in… 2016, I believe June 2016. That occurred on the same day of LA Pride. That was truly terrifying for us to go ahead to attend LA Pride. Terrifying. After one week, I did not hear from my [parents] but only my brother and sister on that day of shooting. They were checking on us. That following weekend, we all were celebrating my father’s… retirement. I cannot quite recall the exact reason. That celebration quickly turned into something else! They both expressed in a great concern. “What happened in Orlando… I was thinking made us thinking about you two! That’s how much worrisome you deal with wherever you all go. Even in supposedly your safe space you are still in danger! We are worried about you two!” That threw us off. We were utterly shocked. Bizarrely, it took a trauma to bring my parents closer to us two. They knew what we have to bear with—not by choice but we want to live. How? Simply being ourselves. So I hope you all will feel that way. You need to make a choice to be yourself and love yourself because what your parents want for you won't be what you eventually want. You have to remember that their lives will end eventually. Once your parents are out of the picture, by then you would try to live freely and realize it’s so late [to bloom]. Try to live truest as early as possible in your life.

End Transcript ]

Video created and edited by Drago Renteria for the Deaf Queer Resource Center. Copyright 2018, All Rights Reserved.