Struggling to heal

Описание: In the summer of 2021, I was in pain—a lot of it.

I had broken up with a woman I thought I would marry. It was my first sober long-term relationship. Later, I realized it was almost like my first love. Because when you break free from addiction, you experience everything for the first time, again.

With recovery, you learn important techniques to help you self-soothe when you’re triggered or anxious or in the depths of craving a substance to regulate yourself like you used to. It’s about reprogramming your mind. Making new associations. Healing. Growing.

But heartbreak is a special kind of pain. I had gone through worse things and yet, it hurt in a different, unexpected way. Every self-soothing strategy I could think of failed. There were some good days, sure. There were lots of bad days too. And even worse days after that.

I felt like I wasn’t healing. I felt more like I was stuck in place than moving on. I wasn’t sitting there just hoping and wishing I would feel better. I took action. And yet, time seemed to slow down to an excruciating pace.

I spent much time sitting with my feelings to understand them. I came to see them as survival strategies; with my body not knowing the difference between emotional and physical pain. It treated them the same. Like burning my hand on a hot stove, I was desperate to prevent it from happening again. That’s why my mind kept returning to the pain.

I learned to keep going even in my grief. I remember reassuring myself that I could still walk my dog with a broken heart. I could still have coffee with friends with a broken heart. I could still visit my family with a broken heart. A lot of days it was way more basic than that. I could still get out of bed, fix meals, brush my teeth, work out, and get dressed with a broken heart too. So I did. Some days that was the best I could do.

If this is familiar, know that you’re not alone. It’s natural and normal and healthy to hurt after loss. Validate your pain. There’s no need to rush the healing process. You can still live life even in the discomfort you feel. The volume does get turned down on the hurt, I promise you.