13: Resolve Conflict and Create Intimacy through Attunement with Keith Witt

Описание: How do you get in touch with what you’re feeling in the moment? How do you take that a step further, and tune into your partner? And how do you take that state, and turn it into deep intimacy, connection, and...well...hot sex? And can you keep that dance alive with your partner even if you have children competing for your time and attention?
Today, our guest is Dr. Keith Witt, Integral Psychologist, and author of several amazing books, including The Attuned Family: How to be a Great Parent To Your Kids, and a Great Lover to Your Spouse. His popular online course, Loving Completely, just came out at the beginning of 2015, and he often appears with Jeff Saltzman on the Daily Evolver show. In today’s wide-ranging conversation, we get into the practical details of how to practice what Keith calls “attunement” - and how it can help you resolve conflict, deepen your connection to yourself and your partner, and, if you have kids, be a better parent. Keith distills his vast wisdom from years of practice - he’s conducted over 55,000 therapy sessions with his clients - and he is on the cutting edge of how to take a relationship to new levels of growth, connection, and passion - especially when you’re past the honeymoon stage with your partner. We also talk about infidelity - why it’s a bad idea, and how to repair when it’s occurred. So - we’re going to cover a lot of ground, and this episode is a little bit longer than most of our episodes - but stick with it as it’s value-packed the whole way through.
Keith discusses the following principles from his book and his experience as a psychologist:


The relationship between partners changes after the birth of the first child. This is the premise of The Attuned Family. Couples who learn to reorganize their lives and their relationship to factor in the new circumstances and transition from the honeymoon stage will be better parents and better lovers.


 

Keith discusses the stages of relationships based on evolutionary drivers:

 


Lust-when you see someone and “want” them sexually
Romantic Infatuation-a temporary stage that lasts 6-18 months
Intimate Bonding-a more permanent pattern - and this is where most people either get stuck or break down. The goal of course is to move beyond this stage and thrive in deeper intimacy and connection with each other.

Treat your relationship as if it needs the same kind of attention that your kids (if you have them) also need. Obviously it’s great to devote time to being a good parent to your children, and Keith’s book offers great techniques for how to do just that. The problem with modern parenting is that we often become dedicated to parenting to the negligence of our relationship.
One of the foundations of integral psychology is the States of Consciousness, which include the emotions and impulses that we go through during each day. There are two categories: prosocial states, which we perceive as safe, using social skills and mature intelligence, and defensive states, which we perceive as unsafe. Characteristics of defensive states are amplified/numbed emotions, destructive impulses, distorted perspectives, diminished capacities for empathy and self-reflection. Basically, the brain is preparing us for “Fight or Flight.” Most people aren’t even aware of their defensive states, but these will accelerate conflict in relationships and will be toxic to couples.
Defensive states will cause couples to withdraw, shut down, and avoid each other. Catching the defensive state and regulating it to a state of social engagement is one of the most profound skills we can master as humans. By doing this, we cultivate the ability to attune to ourselves and to our partner.
So what is Attunement, and what does it mean in relationships? Keith gives the following steps to Attunement that must be carried out - with acceptance and caring intent:

Be aware of the breath going in and out of your body.
Be aware of the sensations in your body.
Be aware of your emotions.
Be aware of your thoughts.
Be aware of judgments about yourself and others.
Be aware of what you really want.

To attune yourself to others, imagine the other person—what they are feeling, sensing, thinking, judging, and wanting. Many, if not most, of the issues couples have are perpetual issues that are never resolved. You definitely won’t solve them if you spend your time arguing about content. The proper process is to get attuned first, and then the content often takes care of itself.
How do you shift strong “negative” emotions into being accepting and caring? There are two general approaches to the experience of emotion in yourself and others, which are to be either dismissing or coaching. In the dismissing attitude, those emotions are a burden, and you would ignore them, deny their validity, or strive to change them....