🐦142: FCAT

Описание: ⚠️ Content warning: PTSD, OCD, & anxiety

The peppermint thing might seem random right now...but god...is it horrific foreshadowing. My OCD often makes me obsessed with uncorrelated, strange things that I believe to impact outcomes of events. One mint before exams became one mint before every class. One mint every hour. One mint every bad thought. It became "I must break the mint in half or else it doesn't work anymore" or "I can't chew the mint, I have to wait for it to burn the insides of my mouth or else" and so on until it became genuinely damaging to me. And the mints were just the beginning. As Black Bird era continues, you'll see that I will soon gain addictions to oddities from food habits all the way to private rituals that I blindly follow out of fear that some dark consequence will occur.

My OCD manifests as some kind of ring leader who forces me to put on a specific performance to avoid punishment. Show Biz, for me, is a collection of intrusive thoughts that I have to give into to compulsions to stop. It feels like a never ending show that I'm trapped in. The same rituals, the same habits, the same thoughts over and over again. While I'm currently in therapy to relieve this torturous cycle, Black Bird never had the luxury. Instead, she just played along with Show Biz- she never knew it was abnormal.

Black Bird is the product of an extremely dangerous and damaging childhood. I know I have a lot of mental illnesses, but laying out every episode of my life really shows why and how it all came to be. Unchecked depression and anxiety from my childhood brewed into PTSD, OCD, and AVPD faster than anyone (myself included) could have ever realized. Only now am I seeing my 10 year old self and mourning the fact she carried all this illness all so silently.

Black Bird: I hear you, I see you, and I love you.

🎵 Song: Orenburgh Mines From Pokemon Diamond

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