🧨🎙️ The Mike Calta Show – LIVE! Presidents Day’s Hall of Regret

Описание: 🎙️ MONDAY: MY NAME WAS PEANUT BUTTER

Hello.

I was a full jar of artisan peanut butter. I arrived in the studio with dignity. I had texture. I had purpose. I had a lid.

TJ Miller brought me in with pride.

And then… they opened me.

First, Mike Calta.

He didn’t “try” me. He committed to me. There was no cracker. No spoon. Just eye contact and intent. I watched the light leave my own reflection as he scraped my sides like he was sanding drywall.

At one point I thought, “Surely he’ll stop.”

He did not.

Galvin approached next. Large hands. Competitive energy. I was treated like a challenge, not a condiment.

Geo leaned over me like I was oxygen. There were sounds. I will not describe the sounds. Let’s just say if you had walked in blindfolded, you would have assumed a golden retriever had found me.

It was not a dog.

It was Geo.

Then came the knife.

Pap Pap proudly introduced a shared plastic knife he found on the floor. Under Geo’s desk. On the ground. In civilization.

Instead of rejecting it, they baptized it in me.

Multiple times.

No one asked questions. No one hesitated. I was no longer a product. I was a community event.

Meanwhile, Carmin was off site, spared from witnessing my decline. She only heard about my fate later, probably shaking her head like the last responsible adult on Earth.

By the end, Mike took me back. Alone.

He scraped every last corner. I have never felt more seen. Or more violated.

I am empty now.

Hollow.

A shell of former protein.

This was not a tasting.
This was survival.

Happy Monday.

Please send crackers next time.