Two sides of narcissism: beware their good side

Описание: Two sides of narcissism: beware the dangerous good side to them.

Every day I receive messages from followers (thank you). In them I hear the same thing said about a narcissistic partner.

"I love them", "They need me", "I feel sorry for them", "They've had a difficult past".

When we first meet a narcissist they can make us feel so special and loved. We love that good side. We haven't yet seen the two sides of narcissism. It takes time before they reveal any darker side to us.

Later, when they do, we see these two sides. The narcissistic Jekyll and Hyde personality. We love the good side, so we forgive the bad. That's not the real them we reassure ourselves.

After they abuse us, they flip the switch. Out comes the remorse and promises to change.  Their good side returns.

We believe them. We wait and hope for them to change. We change our behaviour to keep the peace. Which is exactly the result they want. Instead of holding them accountable for their abuse.

We know they have this good person inside and we can help them change. We long for their good side again. That's when everything will be okay.

We may have doubts or fears and raise their abusive behaviour with them. Then the narcissist will tell us: "You're not being supportive enough. I said I'll change. I need you more than ever to help me now".

But they're empty words. Action to amend their behaviour rarely ever follows.


It's more about how we should stand by them now and love them even more. That's what we do. We love the good side. We want to save them from the bad. We go back to trying to help them change.

It's an impossible task. You can keep trying everything in your power to make them feel loved and secure. But they are a bottomless pit of neediness.

They'll suck you dry. Your needs will come second to their's. This good side to a narcissist is more dangerous than you may think.

It lulls us into a sense that there is someone loving within them, who will one day fulfil our needs.  Who has been hijacked by this darker persona. It makes us stay in abusive relationships, even when our life is at risk.  Waiting for that day to come.

The good side is what drives the cycle of abuse and wears us down.
Like hampsters on a treadmill we keep chasing that good side, we know lies hidden within the dark.

We convince ourselves all we need to do is love them more. Accept we were at fault for their anger and change our behaviour to keep their bad side at bay. Support them when they promise yet again to change.

But as their 'supply' they need to tap into our unlimited amount of empathy. They will drain us. All at our expense.

They shatter our self esteem, belittle us and blame us. They make us take on total responsibility for what goes wrong in the relationship.

Still we try to fix things. It's our role to keep them happy and patch their damaged side.

The cycle of abuse is a perpetual wheel that spins in a downward spiral. We see their good side, then their bad side. Their nice side, their nasty side. It's designed to confuse us.

Over time it wears us down. After a while, we crave their good side again so badly we'll do anything to get it back.

Narcissists don't have two sides. The nice and the nasty are one and the same. This good side of a narcissist is not the real them we convince ourselves of. Stop chasing that high.

If anything it's the nasty side that is their true self.

They are masters of manipulation, using this good side, the Jekyll persona as a mask. To lie to us and con us into staying in a toxic relationship. To give us false hope.

To feed off us, so they can feel superior, with power over us and total control. Stop feeling sorry for them. Or guilty at the thought of leaving.

Don't let them fool you into thinking if only you'll love and support them more they will change. Have you ever seen evidence of this yet? My guess is no. It is you who needs saving.

Denial is a powerful thing. The first step is to admit your relationship with a narcissist is only hurting you. It is all about them.

Your needs and wellbeing don't even factor into the equation. Their good side is just a con. A dangerous lie that makes you keep running back for more abuse. A ruse so you'll keep putting them above yourself.

Don't listen to their words.  Watch their actions.  They'll never change.  You can't rescue them. It's time to let go. Use that overflowing well of empathy you have to start to taking care of YOU.