My 10 year old seems angry all the time. What can I do?

Описание: You mentioned you have a 10yr-old girl who seems angry all the time, you feel like you need to “walk on eggshells” around her, and you’re wondering if this is normal or not. It’s definitely normal for a 10yr-old to experience anger. They just may not know how to deal with that emotion properly. Sometimes, because they don’t know how to deal with it, they act out. If it’s not affecting family relationships, friendships, or their ability to perform at school, then it may just require a bit of coaching at home and some changes in parenting style, and this may affect a positive change, but if it’s affecting relationships or her ability to perform at school, then there may be a deeper issue.

There are some things to consider, some possible underlying causes that you might be able to modify. If a child is overexposed to media, screen time, and electronics, it makes them more angry, so if your child uses these things a lot, then I would scale back. You’re going to get resistance in the beginning and it will probably get worse before it gets better, but it’s important to control screen time and make sure your child is participating in other activities, being active, socializing with people face-to-face, having time with friends - these are important things. If they’re isolated and on electronics all the time, it’s going to affect their cognitive and social development.

I suggest just sitting down and talking with her on a daily basis. Maybe it’s not going to be about anger issues. It can be about forming a connection with her on a daily basis and trying to pull positivity out of her rather than harping on her about negative all the time, because sometimes parents see a concerning behavior and only talk about that instead of shining light on the child’s positive behaviors. Positive reinforcement will do wonders. There’s an old saying that if you treat someone the way you want them to be, they’ll rise to the occasion. So, as parents, that’s a good reminder to use positive reinforcement, to point out things you notice her doing that are good.

Other forms of positive reinforcement might include a point or token system. Talk about your expectations and what the consequences are going to be if she doesn’t meet those. Make them natural consequences and fit the offense, meaning if it’s a mild offense, it should be a mild consequence. If it’s a severe offense, it should be a severe consequence. The consequences can only be determined by you, because you know what’s going to affect her. For example, taking away a child’s screen time could be the most severe consequence, but it may also be a necessary thing if you feel like your child’s overexposed to social media and electronics, so you wouldn’t want to use it as a consequence. It would be an expectation. Hopefully that helps you see the difference. So for certain behaviors, there aren’t just negative consequences, there’s positive consequences, and once she earns a certain number of tokens or points, then she can trade it in for rewards. Sometimes this just has to be used short-term in order to change a child’s behavior until it becomes something that they do daily, not something they have to think so much about.

Another thing to consider is your parenting style and that of dad, because children often model our behavior. If aggression or anger is modeled frequently at home by parents, then children are going to adopt that behavior. If we use soft tones, kind words, we’re level-headed, and try to be proactive instead of reactive in situations, then our children are more likely to do the same.

Another suggestion is to sit down and talk to her about issues that she might be facing or thinking about. Maybe she’s having issues at school that you weren’t aware of, or having issues with friends, or feeling a little neglected at home. If you talk to her about what she’s experiencing, maybe there’s things that you can help her cope with. You can give her coping strategies and problem-solving skills so she can work through it on her own, rather than act out in anger when she doesn’t get what she wants or experience these emotions that she doesn’t know how to deal with.

It’s also important for her father to be on the same page about discipline, developing a game plan, talking with her about it, and making sure that you’re both consistent, because kids are really good at honing in on our inconsistencies, and when we’re not consistent in how we discipline our children, they take advantage of that and it rarely changes behavior when we’re inconsistent in our discipline.

If you’ve tried all these things and it doesn’t seem to be making a difference, I suggest talking with your pediatrician. Sometimes there are issues that run deeper than these I’ve discussed today. The pediatrician can determine if further investigation or intervention is warranted. Sometimes that comes in the form of medication and/or therapy and they can give you suggestions on how to help her manage her anger.