What The Avoidant Secretly Does When They Shut You Out

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When someone you care about suddenly shuts down, pulls away, or insists that “everything is fine”, it can feel confusing, painful, and deeply unsettling.

In this episode, Thais Gibson and Mike DiZio unpack what’s actually happening when a Dismissive Avoidant or Fearful Avoidant shuts you out, why pushing for answers often backfires, and how to respond in ways that create safety instead of more distance.

If you’ve ever felt stuck between wanting clarity and not wanting to make things worse, this conversation offers practical guidance, emotional relief, and a deeper understanding of avoidant nervous systems.

Episode Summary

Stonewalling and emotional withdrawal are rarely about punishment or lack of care. More often, they’re driven by fear, shame, overwhelm, and difficulty identifying emotions in real time.

In this episode, Thais and Mike draw from both professional expertise and lived experience to explain:
Why Avoidant partners often don’t yet know what they feel
How fear of vulnerability and conflict fuels shutdown
Why well-intentioned reassurance or advice can feel invasive
How to support someone without abandoning yourself
The difference between healthy space and harmful disconnection

You’ll also learn six grounded steps for responding when someone shuts you out, including how to set timelines, communicate needs clearly, and create middle ground that works for both people.

Key Takeaways

Avoidant shutdown is usually about self-protection, not rejection
Pushing for immediate conversation often increases withdrawal
Asking thoughtful questions is more effective than giving advice
Reassurance and timelines reduce anxiety without violating boundaries
Communicating needs clearly prevents misinterpretation and resentment
Healthy relationships require honoring both people’s nervous systems

Timestamps

01:44 – Why “Everything’s Fine” Rarely Means Everything’s Fine
03:23 – The 6-Step Framework for Handling Avoidant Shutdown
07:59 – Why Avoidants Need Time to Process Emotions
12:30 – How to Support Without Taking Over
16:16 – Understanding Different Processing Styles
19:32 – Is It Okay to Go to Bed Without Resolving Conflict?
24:37 – When to Set a Boundary in Romantic Relationships
27:00 – Using Timelines to Reduce Anxiety and Avoidance
29:03 – Why Clear Communication Prevents Catastrophizing
31:04 – How Silence Affects Anxious Partners
33:06 – How to Express Needs Without Blame
35:26 – The Fear Behind Stonewalling
38:03 – Why Communicating Needs Is Part of Healing
40:17 – Rethinking Conflict as a Path to Connection
42:05 – Honoring Needs Without Over-Sacrificing Yourself
45:05 – Final Reflections on Safety, Space, and Communication

About the Hosts

Thais Gibson is the founder of Personal Development School and the creator of Integrated Attachment Theory, a neuroscience-based approach to rewiring attachment patterns through neuroplasticity.

Mike DiZio brings personal insight from his own journey healing Dismissive Avoidant attachment, offering real-world perspective on what shutdown feels like from the inside.

Together, they translate complex attachment dynamics into compassionate, actionable guidance.

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