Who Invented Fast Food Restaurants?

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Ah, fast-food- greasy cow muscle mush topped with melted coagulated milk, diced bodies of allium cepa, and the blood of tomatoes, all wedged between the ground up yeast enhanced carcases of wheat plantlife and served with a side of the fried corpses of tubers. Or for the king of them all- the delectable breasts of the noble Gallus domesticus, battered and fried with 11 herbs and spices and dipped in your favorite artery clogging congealed liquid. In all, humanity asserting dominance over all life forms on Earth as we convert the relics of their hopes and dreams and evolutionary paths to our feces- because we can.

And there is nothing they can do about it…

But while today when we think of fast-food we tend to think of the likes of McDonald’s, KFC, or whatever the hell the crazy bastards at Taco Bell are coming up with this week- mixing and matching their same set of ingredients in new and exciting ways that make us all just say- shut up and get in my food hole-.... it turns out humans have been creating fast food joints for almost as long as we’ve had food holes.

So who actually invented the Fast Food Restaurant as we know it today, and how did the concept evolve through today from its earliest days when three cavemen Ugh, Rog, and Gary started selling mammoth on a stick at their oxen back establishment, until one day Gary showed Rog’s mate his giant club, after which he ooga’d her booga and the whole venture fell apart, not just putting an end to URG’s, but also setting humanity back at least a thousand years on inventing the greatest thing we’ve ever come up with- KFC…

Fucking Gary man. Ruins everything.

…Well, put on a bib, unbutton your trousers, and let’s dive into the fascinating history of Fast Food restaurants, and the forgotten establishment that helped birth the modern chains we have today.

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