Real Listening — Beware of Changing the Subject

Описание: Real listening means that the first person who spoke owns the floor. Your job is to listen. That's it, not change the subject because you want to be right or because you don't want to face a thing.
#RealListening #NotChangingTheSubject #MarriageHelp

Website: https://www.RealLove.com

Timestamps:
00:07 Partnerships take work.
01:20 When your partner speaks, they own the floor and you listen.
03:20 How you change the subject instead of listening, which is what you do when you want to be right or you want to avoid the subject.
04:15 Changing the subject is not good partnership.
08:00 Changing the subject makes problem-solving impossible.
09:00 One subject at a time.

Partial Transcript:
This is from a woman who's been practicing Real Love for a while now but has a relatively new partner. She writes and says, “This partnership thing takes some work.” She says, “My husband Mark asked me if the clothes that I have hanging on the curtain rod were going to stay there. It did not feel like a request I asked him if he was bothered by the clothes.”

Oh, listen slowly. When your partner speaks, they own the floor, so your job is to really really listen. Listen. Don't waste or multiply words. You asked if he was bothered. This is very common in conversations. I see it all the time. “Oh, so does that bother you?” Well, what a stupid question. It's a waste of time, it's a waste of listening. Of course he was bothered or he wouldn't have asked. He didn't ask if you were going to leave the clothes on the curtain rod because wow, he thought that was a great decorating idea. Of course he was bothered. He wasn't taking a survey about clothing storage in the neighborhood either. Instead, you skip the unnecessary question and say, “Would you like them to be somewhere else.” Now you're not promising you're going to move them but you're solving a problem in his head. Asking if they bother him requires a follow-up question. The one I just gave her, the one that I just told you, “Would you like them to be somewhere else.” You continue, “He said ‘Yes’ and mentioned several other messes that bothered him in the house all of which were mine. I asked him if he realized that he is bothered by my messes but not by his messes.” So, you realize that you've made a big mess.

Now why is that a big mistake? Because this is what people don't get. It's not about mutual accusations. No. Make it really simple. Your job was to listen. You changed the subject. That's it. You changed the subject and that's what people do when they want to be right or they don't want to face a thing. You bring up subject A. They don't like subject A that you're messy and the other person goes, “oh man uh B”, they bring up a new subject. Now they appear to be related because they both involve the word ‘messes’ and ‘bothered’ yeah but they're not related because the real subject is that HE is bothered. The subject is him, no kidding. In fact that is almost always true when somebody speaks, the subject is HIM. He spoke first. The subject was him and how your clothes and your mess affected affect him and you changed the subject to his messes and how his messes bother you. Yeah, that's not going to work. It's not good listening. More important it's not good partnership. Part of you is right now, as I'm speaking going, “Well but what about his messes?” Yes, I know but if you want to bring up his messes you could have done it before he brought up yours or you can bring it up at another time and I don't mean two minutes later in which case it looks like tit for tat and you know I'll throw a grenade and you'll throw a grenade back at me. No, you can bring it up in days so that they're not associated.

You say, “I wasn't telling him that he needed to clean the messes, just pointing out that he's selective on what bothers him. I said we are solving a problem by talking.” Ah no. Once you change the subject, problem-solving became impossible.

So you said, “Did I make a mess that I need to clean up? meaning a mess emotionally. “Is there a next loving step in this conversation or are we done?” Well, you ain't done! So share with him what you learned right here. Let him watch this segment of the video chat, for example. Take care of the clothes that he pointed out in the first place if they're unsightly to him and they bother him. I'm guessing that there's a solution that you can come up with. I'm guessing there are clothes you don't really need to have. I'm guessing there's some other place that you could put them. If his messes bother you, you can bring them up but not in retaliation. At least a whole day has to pass before you can bring them up. No kidding. Minimum of a day, not an hour.

This “Nugget” is a short segment from a 1-hour Video Chat. Click here to watch the full video    • Real Love® Video Chat 325 with Greg Baer  .