Robot Warlords (PS2) 12/12/2024 (Part 1)

Описание: Bargain bin turn based mech game for the PS2. Another game from my childhood but after the apex of entertainment that is Broken Sword we have plummeted down to the murky mires of nostalgia with the robotic lords of war. After casting my mind back to younger years I remembered only two things about this game; 1 that its a turn based mech game and 2 the fact that I gave up on it after playing once or twice, well after playing it again now I can safely say that I'm not surprised in the slightest about that. Robot Warlords may be the slowest turn based game I've played and this is from a guy who has ungodly hours in Dynasty Tactics 1 and 2 so yeah... and on top of that its in a genre that is famously not known for its promptness so I'll at least give it its dues for that. Other then that its bland, cheaply made and has so much chaotic RNG I feel that I would have a better time controlling my odds in a game of poker in which my hand was flipped to face my opponents.

Gameplay is very traditional with a one move per turn system that we have all seen millions of times before. After you've planned your turn you'll get to watch it play out in a "thrilling" play by play cutscene with each and every plodding stomp included and finally seeing the mechs shrug at each other as they fire, mercifully these can be turned off so do so and make to never turn it back on by accident. The combat system is an arcane mystery in its own right but I'll talk more about it later. You do get to choose what to do during enemy actions which basically filters down to if you want to defend and raise your evasion stats etc or if you want to counter attack ala overwatch in x-com so at least there's a little something something there to ponder, however, except in very fringe cases, In this humble warlord's opinion you have to be insane to not overwatch at every opportunity provided, the game asks "do you want +10% evasion or do you want pretty much an extra turn?" so if you want the game to end as quickly as possible then you'll choose the latter.

There are also some Fire Emblem/RPG elements to this with your pilots gaining exp and learning new moves but would it shock you to learn that it means nothing and has no impact on the gameplay, every pilot has the same moves and skills with the only difference being that they learn them in ever so slightly different orders rendering this whole level up system pointless. The only thing to take care with is what weapons you have equipped and to be fair there are a few choices to make with each hand able to hold a gun allowing for some mixing and matching some armaments, probably the best part of the game to be fair.

Movement is a mixed bag with the game allowing two modes of moving, normal or boosting, normal is what you expect with the big lumbering mechs walking slowly 3-4 tiles at a time, its not too bad as the gun ranges are crazy long so you don't have to be remotely near to enemies but its when you have to turn your mech that things get annoying. Each 45° turn takes up one movement point so to turn all the way around is 4 points and you only usually have 5 points so often a units whole turn can solely consist of just turning on the spot which is an interesting way of showing the heft of these mech but ultimately sucks. Speaking of, the boosting has another interesting idea of allowing you further movement but with the caveat that it has to be in a straight direction your mech is facing but most have the maps have narrow streets or paths to fight on so its no were near as useful at it should be.

"CindaarR is trying to hit the only part of a mech that destroys it, the Body. The mech is comprised of seven parts; Body, Legs, L.Arm, R.Arm, L.Weapon, R.Weapon and Optional. His gun has a 1%-40% to hit a random body part (?) and deals damage in an unknown range based on its damage number (?) the number of hit chances is based on the fire rate of said weapon (?). Can you work out how the hell combat works in Robot Warlords?" Well good luck to what ever kid got this as a math problem because you ain't solving it heck I doubt anyone could, the entirety of Mensa would crack trying to decipher this RNG nexus. That's not to mention the other RNG with deployment, turn order and gun ranges but why add fuel to a burning fire. The worst part of it all are the stages where you have enemies lobbing missiles literally from one corner of the map to the other like they were robotic LeBron's and dealing a third of your health if they hit, if you do get hit then just restart and do a quick prayer it'll save you the trauma trust me.

In the far future of 2002 an army coup has taken over Tokyo and thrown out the government who must relay on their plucky own band of misfit pilots to stop them. Shoddy translation with misspellings galore and a diabolical dub that has one guy voice every character in the same tone. Music has some jammies.

Some strategy in a very dull package, laugh at the dub then run.