Larry, The Downing Street Cat - Vote for me to be on the new British Banknotes!

Описание: Downing Street has been suspiciously quiet this week. Far too quiet, if you ask me — the sort of quiet that usually precedes either a national announcement or someone opening a tin of tuna without offering me any.

Normally, there’s a respectable level of chaos: aides scurrying about, phones ringing, the occasional Prime Minister looking as though he’s misplaced a country somewhere. But lately, the hush has been broken only by the occasional raised female voice drifting from next door at Number 11.

From what I can gather — and I gather quite a lot while pretending to sleep on important-looking documents — someone was saying that “a barrel is now over $100.”

I’m not entirely sure what this means, but it was said in the same tone humans use when the vet bill arrives. So I assume it isn’t good news for us poor blighters.

Meanwhile, my manservant — the one who technically runs the country when he isn’t tripping over me — has been pacing up and down the hall so much that the carpet now resembles a well-trodden badger path. As he marches about, he keeps muttering the word “Mandelson” under his breath.

Now I was under the impression that this fellow had long since Fox-Trot Oscar’d from polite society.

Apparently not.

“Mandy,” as I hear he’s known to friends — though I’m told the list is now roughly the size of my patience — had demanded £547,000 in compensation for losing his job as the UK ambassador to the United States last September. This revelation came courtesy of the first batch of documents concerning the disgraced peer’s appointment.

£547,000.

Even by human standards, that is what one might call an eye-watering sum.

Now, I’m not an economist — although I do have a strong grasp of the tuna market — but that could buy an absolutely heroic quantity of tuna sandwiches.

In the end, I’m told, he received £34,670 as a discretionary payment on top of the £40,329 he was legally entitled to.

That makes just under £75,000 in total.
Still a lot of tuna.

Speaking of money, I hear the humans at the Bank of England have decided that historical figures are out and animals are in when it comes to the next generation of banknotes. Apparently, British wildlife will replace people like Winston Churchill on the £5 note.
Now this is the first sensible financial policy I’ve heard in years.

The Bank says wildlife images will be harder to counterfeit and will allow the country to celebrate nature. It also means we can finally stop arguing about which historical figure is controversial this week.

A panel of experts will draw up a shortlist of animals and birds, the public will vote, and the final decision will be made by the Bank’s governor. It will apparently take several years before the new notes appear.

As I write this, I have received no letter, email, text message, or phone call informing me that I might be considered.

I can hardly believe it.

Overlooked.

Me.

Frankly, it’s unthinkable. I am a national institution, a symbol of quiet authority, and I already spend most of my time sitting on government paperwork. I practically am legal tender.

One story that did catch my eye this week was the annual wife-carrying race in Dorking, Surrey. Competitors sprint along an obstacle course while carrying their wives, which strikes me as an extraordinary way to test both fitness and marital diplomacy.

Still, it gave me an idea.

Why not a Cat Carrying Race?

Contestants would attempt to carry a perfectly dignified cat — ideally me — over various hurdles while the cat attempts to remove their forearms. It would be thrilling, athletic, and deeply educational.

I expect it would also be considerably shorter than the wife-carrying race.

Until next time.

Keep calm…
…and Larry on. 🐾

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