Norman the Homeless Guy, Lucky Numbers, Rats Smoke Weed [Scrapple TV News]

Описание: March 27, 2013.

I'm AP Ticker, and last week I broke into your home, wore your clothes and walked your dog. Sorry about the mess, I'm glad to be back.

A man was stabbed by his twin brother on Saturday. While police have not yet released any details, we can assume the stabbing was the result of years of wrongful impersonation on the part of the victim. You can only claim to be your identical twin just to sleep with his wife so many times before he takes bloody vengeance, no matter how hot she is. In fact, the limit is three times. After that, stabbing, choking, and assault with a soft-heel shoe are all permissible by law. Let that be a lesson to you twins out there: Three really is the lucky number.

Speaking of lucky numbers, a winning ticket for Saturday night's $338 million Powerball jackpot was sold in the Dirty Jerz....Well it wasn't me or anyone I know, so I dont give a shit

Did you know that back in the 50's & 60's the CIA used Modern Art as a weapon?
During the cold war, Pollock, Rothko, De Kooning and others were supported by the CIA because in the propaganda war with the Soviet Union, Russian art was allegedly strapped into conformist commie ideology and could not compete. The Cia thought it could be held up as proof of the creative awesomeness of the US. But that was then, now we edit the art out of things, Like how film analysts claim that movie makers are veering away from sex scenes these days. The reason? Graphic sexuality often earns a film a quick "R" rating, thus restricting its viewership. These scenes have been replaced by gaudy special effects in recent years because THAT content is considered more "socially acceptable". Phooey I say! Why not combine the two? What's hotter than... oh let's say Steve Buscemi and Kathy Bates bumping uglies on a beach... THAT EXPLODES! Now that's hot! I need a smoke just thinking about it. Speaking of smokes, a new study finds that smoking marijuana may lead to increased use of tobacco... at least in rats. Rats that were exposed to THC were almost thirty percent more likely to ingest nicotine than rats that weren't. I'm hesitant to release this news, since those piggies in the big tobacco will stoop to anything to sell their product. It's only a matter of time before you see ads that read "Cigarettes; the smokes you smoke after you toke". I guess it's too late now. Oh the horror we've unleashed.

In Philadelphia, where the rat is quickly becoming a unit of currency, South Street has lost a legendary hustler this week. Norman, "That homeless guy with the Viking Helmet" passed away on March 22nd. We here at Scrapple News like to think that Norman is in that big Mako's Bar and Grill's in the sky. Goodnight Sweet Prince. In a related story, Once I was carrying out two slices of Lorenzo's one night and a homeless guy approached me and asked me for money because he was really hungry. I offered him a slice, but he turned up his nose and said "I don't want your trash." and walked away.

All this news goes down easy when you have a Commonwealth Cider in your hands, brought to you by the Philadelphia Brewing Company. And no, they do not have "Non Alcoholic Beer". Non Alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same, but you know it ain't right..Til next time folks, I'm AP Ticker and remember...
We communicate in a weird space language that only an elite few can interpret....We are the Third Eye of Philadelphia, We are Scrapple News...

Scrapple TV is written by:
Scott Colan
Steve Galley
Brendan Skwire
Johnny Zito
Tony Trov