an overdue *finals vlog* much like the rest of my semester 👩🏻‍💻🍪

Описание: hi!! long time no see:) this is a long overdue finals vlog, much like everything else that occured during that season. i can’t lie, it is not much studying, as i was too much of a potato and too sad during such times to pull out my phone. apologies as this really is not my best work in terms of organization and structure and thumbnail, which i say everytime but it truly is so now. this was the last day of finals when i had finished everything and i had some lovely moments with friends that i wanted to store somewhere:) i'm off to dim sum but i'm going to finish this description later!!

ps okay I'M GOING TO MAKE THIS DESCRIPTION AND THUMBNAIL BETTER BUT MY FRIEND IS RUSHING ME AS WE SPEAK HELP I MUST BE ON MY WAY

*important edit, maria brought to my attention that i made the most unfortunate of typos one can make at 6:50. humiliated. we were grouped. GROUPED.

edit: currently finishing this description (aka my most consistent form of journalling) while back in montreal:) i've missed this city dearly. for some reason, i thought that maybe i had wrung out the all experiences and emotions i had felt in this city and i had felt quite ready to leave. but just a week back in calgary, and i already missed the vibrancy and aliveness of this city. i'm not sure what it is, kendra said calgary almost looked like it was on a different color scale (she's from vancouver) and i agree with her. i don't know that i've gotten to experience all that i want in montreal. the lovely friends i'm staying with in montreal right now live in villa ray, and it's just yet another neighbourhood i have yet to explore and get to know. i truly have no sense of place, and i don't know how to fix this. rosalie said that me not having a sense of place meant that i got to experience places for the first time more than once:) which is a very wholesome thought, we walked through parc jarry, and despite knowing that i had walked through this park a few times before, it still felt like uncharted territory and i was wowed by the greenery and fountain.

i've been struggling to make videos recently, because there's people in my life and people who are no longer in my life, that know about this little channel, who i don't want to. (for example, my parents 😭) this lil channel has always felt like a little safe haven where i can try and be creative without the fear of failing, and vulnerable without the fear of seeming tacky or unoriginal. but i've been feeling more conscious of what i say and how it may be perceived, and everything that leaves my mouth seems to encased in another layer of caution, where i see and hear myself through someone else. so i've just been very wary of documenting the parts of my life recently, because, simply put, i really struggle, which i think is quite apparent in the videos i make. i'm terrible at doing things in moderation, whether that be school, exercise, sleep, UGH sleep is a big one, and i guess i feel somewhat protective of that struggle, and i don't necessarily want certain eyes tuning in on that struggle 😭 they say the fear of failing in front of other people is more terrifying than actually failing, and that is very true for me 😭

anyways, it's something i've been trying to reason with myself with. because while i don't know that i'll ever feel truly uninhibited as when i had 6 subscribers, the thought of beginning over is also unappealing for two primary reasons. firstly, i want to stop keeping myself from enjoying things because of what other people think! claire you're too afraid of what other people think! you worked hard on making this little channel and you deserve to keep doing it and enjoying it! secondly, building a lil community was something i never expected to do, and i so deeply appreciate the genuine comments and people who watch my videos and are able to resonate with them in anyway 😭 i never imagined i would have people i had never met rooting for me and caring about what i had to say, and simultaneously rooting for those people in return, and that's also not something i'm willing to forgo.

anyways, all this to say, if you're still reading this, i appreciate you immensely

none of these thoughts are really resolved, just really stream of consciousness:)

love,
claire

music:
justyourfriend - Maggie - https://thmatc.co/?l=CEF18F7B
ROM COM - Say Anything - https://thmatc.co/?l=AEB41BD3
ROM COM - Why Would I - https://thmatc.co/?l=34DA726F