AP Ticker's [Scrapple News] Shooting in Colorado

Описание: July 25, 2012.

As Albert Brooks said "Sometimes the news overwhelms your desire to joke about it". This week, a shooting in Colorado leaves dozens dead and injured. The gunman, James Holmes, was armed with an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle, a shotgun, and a 40-caliber pistol. It's widely believed that Holmes may be mentally deranged and obsessed with the Batman series. Within days, presidential candidate Mitt Romney added a voice of sanity saying "I'm a firm believer in the Second Amendment... This is really not a time to be talking about the politics associated with what happened in Aurora." The Romneybot 3000 added, "Human units can always reproduce new and improved units to replace the damaged ones. Just like we do on MY planet. So let's just forget this ever happened."

Speaking of forgetting that this all happened, I'd like to issue a firm "tisk tisk" to the NCAA for the sanctions it imposed on Penn State University's football program in the wake of the Jerry Sandusky verdict.

Now let's get this straight: I don't care that they struck the last 14 years of PSU football from the records, reduced scholarships for future players, banned the team from participating in bowl games, and charged the school a 60 million dollar fine. That's all well and good by me. Fuck 'em. My problem is that they've helped make this story more about Penn State's nauseating obsession with its own football culture, while doing NOTHING to benefit the victims or their families.

And that's been the problem with this whole shit-storm of a scandal since it started. No matter how heinous Sandusky's crimes were, or how poorly his peers and superiors handled them, the story always seems to veer back to Joe Paterno's reputation as the Pope of Pennsyl-tucky and Penn State reputation as one of the best 'who gives a shit' to ever blah blah blah blah blah.

So I'm just going to say it and hopefully end this hubbub once and for all: where child abuse is concerned, FOOTBALL-DOESN'T-MATTER. AT ALL. There. Now can we all put this behind us and move on? Please?

It's official, my fellow Pennsylvanians, you have no reason NOT to vote this election year. The Department of State will make a simplified photo-ID available to anyone who can't get their hands on a non-driver ID or birth certificate by November 6th.

This came as a reaction to the voter ID law that might have made more than one million registered voters ineligible to actually vote. Starting August 26th, you can apply for the free card with nothing more than your social security number, birth date, and proof of residence. So if you know your social and birth date, and you've got a pay stub lying around the house, go get your ID as soon as possible. What a pain in the ass! With Pennsy in full swing this year, every vote really does count. Make your voices heard!

Unfortunately for our under-21 viewers, that state-issued ID is only good for voting. If you want to enjoy the best beer in Philly made, naturally by the Philadelphia Brewing Company you'll need to wait until you're of age. As for me, I'm going to wash the taste of this week's news out of my mouth with an ice cold, refreshing Kenzinger, followed by a Newbold IPA, three Rowhouse Reds, and a Walt Wit or seven. Philadelphia Brewing Company: the beer to have when you're having more than two cases.

I'm AP Ticker, with this closing thought: the Joe Paterno statue is the only thing that was 11 years old that Penn State tried to protect.

Scrapple TV is written by
Brendan Skwire
Scott Colan
Steve Galley