Kick 'Victimhood' out of the Family Courts

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Director Philip Kedge
Retired Police Chief Inspector
McKenzie Friend since 2012

Kick ‘victimhood’ out of the Family Courts.
It now seems well documented that our society is increasingly heading towards the popular culture of victimhood. Afterall, if you can’t claim to be a victim of something, because you have been offended, suffered or been hurt, then clearly you can’t be a very interesting person, because being negative and defeatist is clearly the only way to get attention and status in the growing self-indulgent victimhood circles that people now love to be part of.

‘victimhood’ is now flooding into the family courts and bringing it to its knees. The relentless pressure of trying to manage parent’s emotional wars is something the courts can’t and shouldn’t have to cope with.

We know, as a fact, because the Judiciary recently told us, that at least 40% of family court case, should never actually be in court. The only reason they are, is because of parents behaving like Juvenile and failing to get a grip of their emotions and being incapable of behaving like adults for the sake of their poor innocent children.
Now the problem is that we have adults behaving like juveniles, whilst at the same time we have this new ‘victimhood’ culture. When those two forces come together, the plot really starts getting lost and the courts and services simply can’t cope.
Now let me make it clear, I am only talking about this 40% group as identified by the Judiciary itself, I am not talking about those who should be in the family court system where genuine and at times serious safeguarding issues need to be addressed. So please don't take this blog out of that context.

So, what it going on? Well when two people, who once upon a time may have loved each other, have experienced the miracle of having children together, who may have once expressed their eternal desires for each other, now arrive at the end of that romantic journey.

That now turns to hurt emotions, suffering, upset, anxieties, dislike, distrust as that fine line between love and hate gets crossed. Now, combine that with the new norm of ‘victimhood’ and you have all the conditions for a perfect storm.

It may start off as small storm, but in this mad culture of negativity, sympathy seeking, and demonising and the new social competition as to ‘who has suffered the most’, that storm vgrows into a tornado.

In the wake of uncontrollable emotions, all irrational thinking simply gets blown away, with parents focussed only on promoting their own sense of suffering and self-importance with the children’s needs being totally lost.

‘Please go to mediation’ is the advice from the courts, however, even mediation isn’t going to be able to tame an emotional fuelled tornado.
Mediation requires people to engage their brains and be sympathetic to each other's needs and the needs of the children, that you both brought into the world.

With mediation sadly all too often doomed to fail, these parents then take their war into the courts, with a brand new problem and destructive force added, the family lawyers who are not only looking for conflict, they want to throw more fuel onto the fire, they don’t want this to end, for them, this is just the beginning. They are going to take this conflict to whole new levels.

I’m not a counsellor or therapist or a sounding board for hurt feelings, instead, what I have been successfully doing over the last 10 years is to unemotionally and pragmatically help steer people away from family court.
Secondly, I help those who are already in family court but shouldn’t be, and guide them to find a sensible way out of it, usually with signposting to mediation and hopefully agreed orders.

Thirdly, I have spent a decade, supporting those who genuinely need to be in family court and have helped them through that process at a fraction of the cost of totally unnecessary and all too often completely unhelpful family lawyers.

So, what is my advice and solution to those who are going through family court child arrangements?

The standard order for child arrangements, is for a child to spend time with the non-resident parent, every other weekend from Friday to Saturday, an additional midweek from the Wednesday to the Thursday when there is no weekend contact and half of all the holidays.

To arrive at this position, all you have to do is to take a solutions-based approach and bury the hatchet of hurt feelings.

If you need help moving forward with your child arrangements process please contact me right now at lightnothate.co.uk