Effective Parenting

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Alan Rafael Seid began studying Nonviolent Communication (NVC) with Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. in 1995. He has been a CNVC Certified Trainer since 2003.

Alan works with Changemakers — people committed to both making a difference and working on themselves — and he shares with them tools, skills, and coaching so that they can fulfill their purpose powerfully.

Transcription of this video (edited and revised):

Hi, this is Alan Seid with Cascadia Workshops. I work with individuals, couples, families and organizations to help people transform the relationships that are the most important relationships in their lives, and to help people make a positive difference in the world.

This video is on effective parenting, which is a huge topic. Many of the people in my audience online, or the people that I work with are parents.

The pattern is that our closest relationships are the most intense ones, our spouses, our parents, our siblings, our children. Those are some of the most intense and most challenging relationships. Parenting in and of itself is extremely challenging. I’m a father and I’m speaking form experience. If you’re a parent then you know what I’m talking about.

It’s extremely challenging and also extremely rewarding. But here are some of the things that get in the way of effective parenting and some of the ways we can be more effective parents.

I’ll start with this concept. The roles that we inhabit in our day can get in the way of authentic human connection.

One of my teachers, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, who founded the process Nonviolent Communication, which he named Nonviolent Communication because he wanted to align himself with Gandhi’s movement of truth telling and compassion, Dr. Rosenberg was a student of Carl Rogers, a famous psychologist. One of the things that Carl Rogers was exploring at the time was how is it that authentic human connection can be so healing?

It turns out that some of the roles we play in our day actually can get in the way of authentic human connection. In this case the role of parent-child. If I am relating to somebody else’s role rather than relating to a human being, or I’m acting as a role instead of showing up as an authentic human being, that can get in the way of the quality human connection that I’m actually seeking.

This also happens in other roles, boss-employee, therapist-patient, all kinds of roles that we inhabit we end up connecting with a role instead of a real human being. So I want you to make sure that you’re relating to your child or your children as real human beings rather than their role and your role relating to each other as roles. When I connect with my children human to human, that’s when we’re able to create the high quality of connection that we’re really looking for.

Another piece that I’ll share with you is the concept of power-with rather than power-over. In power-over, I want you to do the thing that I want you to do and I don’t care whether it meets your needs or doesn’t meet your needs. So I get to boss you around and tell you what to do.

If I have a relationship of power-over with my children, then I might be able to get them to do the things that I want them to do, however, it might be at a cost to the relationship. Either they’ll resent me for it in the long run or they’ll be disconnected from me in some way, or they’ll just lie to me and do whatever they want behind my back.

I want to create a relationship in which there is a lot of trust and where there are clear communication channels, so if they have questions about some of the challenges they’re going to encounter in society, I’m a trusted source to be able to share my perspective with them.

In a relationship of power-with, my children are able to count on the fact that I’m seeing them as a human being and that they also have a voice and they also have the power to influence the things that impact them in their lives.

Of course this changes over time. I’m not going to negotiate everything with a two year old. But...

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