One Secret Way to Tell If Therapy is Working | aka I HATE MY THERAPIST

Описание: Why do some people hate their therapists when they are getting into the deep, core difficult work of therapy?

One Secret Way to Tell If Therapy is Working

People sometimes feel anger, resentment, or even hatred toward their therapist during the deeper phases of therapy because of the emotional intensity and vulnerability involved. When therapy starts to touch core wounds—deep-seated beliefs, painful memories, or unresolved trauma—it can feel threatening or overwhelming. Here’s why this reaction happens:
1. Defense mechanisms get triggered
As therapy digs deeper, it often threatens long-standing defenses that the person has relied on to feel safe. The therapist might be perceived as the one "causing" the discomfort, even though they’re actually helping bring it to the surface.
2. Transference
Clients may unconsciously project feelings about important figures (like parents or past abusers) onto the therapist. If someone has unresolved anger toward a caregiver, for example, that anger might get redirected at the therapist.
3. Fear of change
Deep therapy work can challenge a person’s identity or long-held narratives about themselves. Even if those narratives are painful ("I’m unlovable"), they’re familiar. Change can feel like a loss or even a threat to who they've been.
4. Feeling exposed or unsafe
Getting into the “inner core” often involves revealing things people have never told anyone. That level of exposure can lead to feelings of shame, fear, or vulnerability, which may be directed at the therapist as blame.
5. Attachment dynamics
Strong emotional bonds often develop in therapy, and with that can come complex attachment feelings—neediness, fear of abandonment, anger when not fully understood—which can create love-hate dynamics.
This kind of resistance is actually a sign that therapy is reaching meaningful material. A good therapist will help process these reactions rather than take them personally.
Working through those intense reactions toward your therapist—especially when you're doing deep, vulnerable work—is difficult but also deeply transformative. Here’s how to manage and move through it effectively:

🧭 1. Name What You're Feeling
Start by identifying the emotion clearly: anger, irritation, fear, shame, betrayal, etc. Often these feelings are covering up something even deeper (e.g., “I’m furious” might be protecting “I feel abandoned or not understood”).
What helps:
• Keep a journal between sessions.
• Notice any sudden shifts in how you feel about your therapist (e.g., “I trusted them yesterday—now I can’t stand them”).

💬 2. Bring It Into the Room
This is crucial. Tell your therapist what you're experiencing, even if it feels petty, irrational, or shameful. Therapy is one of the few spaces where you’re allowed to bring your full emotional experience, unfiltered.
You might say:
“I’ve been feeling really angry at you, and I don’t even know why. It’s hard to talk about, but I think it’s important.”
A good therapist won’t get defensive—they’ll help you explore the feelings and what they might be connected to.

🔍 3. Explore the Roots Together
With your therapist’s support, unpack the emotion:
• What part of you feels threatened or hurt?
• Does this dynamic feel familiar (e.g., from childhood or other relationships)?
• Is this about the therapist, or is the therapist standing in for someone else emotionally?
This is where powerful insight can happen—where you begin to link past experiences with present emotional patterns.

🛠️ 4. Practice Staying Instead of Fleeing
When the instinct is to shut down, skip a session, ghost the therapist, or quit therapy altogether—pause. These are avoidant strategies to escape discomfort. But if you stay and process it, you build resilience and trust.
You could even say:
“I wanted to cancel today—I felt really disconnected and like this isn’t working—but I figured that might mean something important is happening.”

🧱 5. Notice If You’re Testing the Relationship
Sometimes clients unconsciously test whether the therapist can “handle” their worst emotions, because that’s where past caregivers may have failed. Working through this can reshape your internal model of what relationships can be.

🧠 6. Track Patterns Over Time
Look back over weeks or months and notice how these ruptures and repairs shape your growth. Often, the strongest therapeutic work happens after a conflict is safely addressed and worked through.

⚠️ One Caveat:
If your therapist is actually being unethical, shaming, dismissive, or unsafe, those feelings may be protective rather than transferential. Part of the process is learning to discern that, ideally with the therapist's help.

Summary: The feelings you’re having aren't a sign that therapy is failing—they're often a sign that it's finally working. Letting those feelings into the room and staying present through them is some of the bravest and most healing work you can do.