Alienated Parents, Make New Meaning: How to Honor Your Painful Memories | Ep. 175

Описание: Alienated Parents: what if memories of your child didn't have to feel like landmines? In this episode, I share how to reclaim your power over memories—so they become sources of connection instead of pain. Learn the nervous system tools that helped me stop running from photos, songs, and reminders, and start honoring my relationship with my daughter on my own terms.


MAIN TALKING POINTS

The Running Pattern: Many alienated parents spend years running—from abuse, harassment, and eventually from their own memories. Even sweet memories can trigger the body's escape response.

Window of Tolerance as Your Guide: Using your nervous system's "window of tolerance" (the range where you can think and feel simultaneously) helps you approach memories without drowning or dissociating.

Titration & Pendulation: These trauma-informed techniques teach you to work with memories in small, manageable doses—like adding drops instead of gulping the whole thing at once.

The Avoidance-Flood Cycle: Alienated parents often swing between two extremes—either avoiding all reminders (enshrining rooms, blocking songs) or doom-scrolling through photos while completely activated.

Recontextualizing Memories: Painful memories often become "muddied" with shame, terror, or trauma narratives. The work is separating what happened from the story you've attached to it.

Taking Back Control: Instead of letting algorithms, songs, or your ex control your emotional state, you can decide when, how, and how long to visit memories.

Normalizing Your Grief: While parental alienation isn't "normal" for most people, it is your reality. Fighting against "what is" creates suffering—acceptance creates space for healing.

Sacred but Accessible: Memories can remain sacred while also being part of your everyday life, not locked away on an untouchable altar.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

1. Create Controlled Activation: Choose a medium-intensity memory (4-6 on a 0-10 scale), set a time limit, and practice in a safe environment with regulating resources nearby.
2. Touch and Retreat Method: Access one sensory detail at a time (a hand in yours, one line of a song), check your body's response, then pendulate back to safety before returning.
3. Three-Step Protocol for Unexpected Triggers:
Name the story (What am I telling myself?)
Name the sensations (Where/how do I feel it?)
Take three slow exhales with hand on the most intense body area
4. Separate Shame from Memory: Identify what narrative you've attached to memories (often shame about not protecting your child) and consciously separate that from the actual memory.
5. Ritualize Sacred Memories: Pick specific times (birthdays, Sunday nights) to intentionally spend regulated time with special photos, songs, or objects—then close the ritual.
6. Stop Retraumatizing: Doom-scrolling photos while activated or repeatedly listening to triggering songs creates new trauma associations. Small, regulated doses build resilience instead.
7. Redefine on Your Terms: You get to decide what memories mean going forward. The alienating parent doesn't get to control your internal experience anymore.



00:00 Why Alienated Parents Run From “Good” Memories
03:22 Window of Tolerance 101 for Alienated Parents
05:39  Why Accessing Memories Matters and Why It Feels Difficult
05:55 Avoiding Photos and Enshrining Rooms: Loyalty or Self‑Protection?
11:11 Doom‑Scrolling Old Photos: Grief Ritual or Re‑Traumatizing Loop?
14:10 Sacred Memories vs. Everyday Life: Keeping Connection Without Avoidance
17:08 Titration Explained: Small Doses of Painful Memories for Alienated Parents
21:11 Pendulation: Moving Between Hard Memories and Safety in Your Body
25:19 Guided Exercise: Reclaiming One Memory Within Your Window of Tolerance
34:35 When Songs and Smells Hijack You: Using Triggers to Take Power Back
35:39 Shame, “I Didn’t Do Enough,” and Why You Avoid Certain Memories
39:30 Spring‑Cleaning Your Narrative: Letting Go of Painful Self‑Blame
40:22 Rewriting the Story: From Trauma Memory to Connection Memory
44:41 Why This Works: Safety, Agency, and Re‑Encoding Memories
45:35 Real‑Life Grief Example: Amy and Her Sudden Alienation
46:57 Grief as Your New ‘Normal’: Letting Go of Comparison
51:04 Email From Your Ex: Don't Allow THEIR Message To Hijack YOUR Body
54:51 Relationship Triggers: When One Comment Feels Like the Whole Story
59:37 Titrating Your Own Emotions: Working With Rage, Anxiety, and Numbness
01:01:58 Working With Sacred Memories: Special, But No Longer Untouchable
01:06:03 Ritualizing Contact: Tiny, Chosen Moments of Connection
01:07:17 Tracking Your Activation: Using a 0–10 Scale to Protect Your System
01:08:21 Letting Memories Step Off the Altar and Onto the Couch
01:11:29 3 Step Protocol for Unexpected Triggers

#alienatedmom #parentalalienationrecovery #podcastforalienatedparents #parentalalienation