Every Galactic Species Needs Full Hazmat Suits on Deathworlds... Except Humans, Who Wear Shorts

Описание: 🚀 EVERY SPECIES NEEDS HAZMAT SUITS ON DEATHWORLDS... EXCEPT HUMANS IN SHORTS 🩳

The Galactic Environmental Hazard Assessment Bureau has been protecting the galaxy for eight thousand years with one simple rule: Class Twelve Deathworlds require Type Nine Environmental Protection Suits. No exceptions. Ever.

Then they discovered Earth.

🌍 When Inspector Kvallix and his team catalog Terra as the most hostile planet in recorded galactic history, they're convinced no intelligent life could possibly survive there. The oxygen levels are corrosive. The universal solvent called "water" covers seventy percent of the surface. The gravity would crush most species. The radiation from the local star damages DNA. And the microorganisms? They're EVERYWHERE.

But orbital scans detect something impossible: cities. Millions of life signs. A thriving civilization.

👽 Armed with environmental suits worth more than a small moon, the Bureau descends to make first contact with whatever impossibly advanced species has conquered this nightmare world. They expect force fields, matter reconfigurators, technology beyond comprehension.

What they find is a jogger named Rick. Wearing shorts. And a t-shirt. Drinking water straight from a bottle. BREATHING THE CORROSIVE ATMOSPHERE DIRECTLY.

😱 As Kvallix's entire understanding of environmental safety crumbles around him, he discovers the horrifying truth: Earth isn't a deathworld to humans. It's HOME. They evolved here. They LIKE it here. They think forty different types of weather are "variety." They go to the BEACH for fun. They let their CHILDREN play in the universal solvent.

And nobody told the Bureau that Earth has been hosting galactic tourists for five years.

🏖️ From bureaucratic nightmares to sandcastle building, from margaritas on the beach to the complete reclassification of an entire planet, this is the story of what happens when the galaxy's most careful safety inspectors meet humanity's most casual attitude toward their own survival.

Because when you grow up on a Class Twelve Deathworld, everywhere else is just... boring.

⭐ CHARACTERS FEATURING IN THIS STORY ⭐:

🦗 Inspector Kvallix - A dedicated Vrixian safety inspector with four arms, compound eyes, and an exoskeleton that turns purple when stressed. After eight thousand years of Bureau protocol, he's about to have every assumption he's ever made completely destroyed by humans in casual wear. His commitment to proper paperwork is matched only by his growing confusion about why anyone would jog voluntarily.

👩 Jennifer Ashworth - A friendly resident of Santa Barbara who finds the entire concept of environmental hazmat suits hilarious. She's patient, welcoming, and completely unbothered by the fact that her planet is classified as a death trap. Her special talents include making excellent coffee, explaining obvious things to confused aliens, and photobombing official Bureau reports.

🏃 Rick Palmerton - An enthusiastic jogger who becomes the first human to traumatize an entire galactic expedition by simply existing. Training for a half-marathon and utterly oblivious to the fact that his morning run is causing multiple alien species to question their understanding of physics.

🐙 Wrix - Kvallix's young Pelluvian assistant with four tentacles and a talent for discovering uncomfortable truths in databases. She's the one who figures out that two different galactic agencies have been classifying the same planet with completely opposite ratings, which explains SO MUCH and also nothing at all.

👁️ Vremmik - A Korthaxian xenobiologist with too many eyes and a tendency to faint when confronted with humans doing normal human things. His scientific analysis of Earth's hostility is technically perfect, which makes it even more disturbing when humans just ignore all of it.

💼 Deputy Director Hammond - A calm, professional human diplomat from the State Department who has to explain to panicking aliens that Earth has actually been fine this whole time and maybe they should check their interdepartmental communication systems. His patience is infinite, his forms are properly filed, and his tolerance for bureaucratic chaos is impressive.

👧 Megan Ashworth - Jennifer's daughter, a curious child who thinks aliens are cool, enjoys building sandcastles, and casually handles crabs like they're not armed predators. She's the one who introduces Kvallix to the concept of "imagination," which his species doesn't really have, and teaches him that everything gets destroyed eventually so you might as well enjoy making it.